Depression still has such a stigma attached to it. So many people suffer, yet so few will admit to it. Why? It’s an illness, just like the flu or tonsillitis – yet we will admit to those freely, posting updates on Facebook and keeping everyone up to date with medications and recovery. Yet those of us with depression won’t do the same. We hide the fact we are on medication, we keep our doctors visits quiet and we don’t tell anyone how we are coping.
Especially when we are not.
2 weeks ago I sat in front of the kitchen cupboard and cried because I couldn’t decide what to cook for dinner. The week before that I got so anxious about leaving the house and having to meet people that I stopped going to baby sensory, and locked myself away in the house. Last week I was surprised when I had a good day, when I felt happy, when I felt as though everything had gone well.
And that’s the point where I realised that one good day wasn’t really enough.
I don’t expect every day to be a good one. Parenting is bloody hard work – even the good days are tough. But when you realise that you cry and shout much, much more than you laugh, then maybe it is time to ask for help.
And it’s OK if that is medication, or counselling, looking at alternative options from Finest Labs, or whatever it is your body needs to heal. Nowadays, there is a lot of research out there to suggest that alternative remedies such as CBD can play a role in your mental health toolkit so do not be afraid to research terpenes, and other natural cannabis compounds if you are looking for a natural way to combat depression.
Last week I realised that I wasn’t coping. Just getting through the day, caring for the children was too hard. I just wanted to hide away. I didn’t want anyone to see what I was becoming. I knew this wasn’t normal, not healthy, and so I made an appointment to see my doctor. I almost didn’t go – it would have been easier not to, easier to just carry on the way I was and try to convince myself I was OK. That everyone with children feels like this, that everyone struggles.
But they don’t do they? Everyone else is making it look so easy.
Although I do wonder sometimes. I am pretty good at putting on a face. No one in the school playground would know how much I am struggling. I smile, I joke, I chat about the children and I agree when they tell me how lovely my 4 are. Because they are right. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
I wouldn’t change them for the world, but I would change the way being a parent has made me feel, if I could.
So I went off to see the doctor, and she was amazing. As soon as I sat down and told her how anxious and unhappy I was, she knew. She told me that it was OK to feel this way, and actually more normal than I will ever know. That she had been in a similar place herself after she had her son. That she had got through it. That she could see I had been here before and that I had got through it too. And I would again.
She prescribed me anti depressants, and do you know what? I am not going to hide that, I am not going to be ashamed of the fact that I am taking tablets for an illness. Just because that illness is invisible to most people doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
I am seeing my doctor again in a couple of weeks, for a review. As you would for many other illnesses. She has referred me to a local counsellor, and I think that might help too. I am pretty good at bottling things up and pretending I am OK – but that’s obviously not working for me is it? So maybe talking will be an escape, a release. I hope so.
In the meantime I will work with my doctor, I will take my medication and I will trust in my body and the NHS. I will accept the fact that I am unwell, and the fact that I will get better. These things take time.
So I might not be as active on here, I might be quiet on social media while I heal. But writing gives me a release, so I might also be here pouring my heart out.
If you are not coping, open up. I feel better for it. I know there are so many other people out there who are suffering needlessly, afraid to speak out, afraid they will be judged. Anyone who judges you shouldn’t be in your life. The people who matter will stand up and support you.
So next time someone asks me if I am OK, maybe I shouldn’t say I am fine. Maybe I should be more honest. No, I am not coping at the moment. Yes, I am unwell. But I am getting help, and I will beat it. Because underneath all the sadness and anxiety is me, and I will find me again.
I am honest when I’m asked how I am. I say ‘alive’. I talk through the rest with my counsellor and my partner and a couple of close mates. No-one expects me to be anything but depressed though, so in a way I have either far easier than most, and I can be honest. Truth is that life nowadays is so scrutinised and stressful that you don’t need any of that extra stuff for it to be too much.
It’s a brave post, and a brave step, and hopefully you will be able to see far more of the sunshine very soon xx
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I certainly don’t think you have anything easier than anyone else – I can’t begin to imagine how you even get through the days sometimes.
Life is bloody hard work sometimes, and I think we are all far too hard on ourselves – we want to be seen to be ‘doing it all’ when in actual fact what we really want is someone to see we are struggling.
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time, it can be so tough sometimes! Glad that you’re getting some support, I think it’s so important for people to ask when they need it and be brave. Well done lovely x
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Thank you so much – I think we can all be too hard on ourselves sometimes!
I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. The problem with it is that there isn’t one cure for all, what work for one person might not necessarily work for another. The breakthrough for me personally was learning to recognise the signs of ‘an episode’ if you will, before it gets too bad and then putting my coping mechanisms in place before it took control. I hope you find a way of managing yours that works well for you 🙂
Gina Caro recently posted…Having a Wobble & Reassessing Life
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So sorry you are suffering too Gina. You are right when you say everyone needs a different approach to treating it – my doctor said much the same. Trial and error. I am glad you have learnt to recognise the signs and put a coping mechanism in place. I hope I find something similar too. xx
What a honest and refreshing post to read. I wasn’t coping well a month or so ago and people say ‘How can you not be happy when you have a baby? Some people would kill to be in your place’ and it just makes you feel so much worse. I don’t think I was depressed I just had a lot on my plate but there is such a stigma and so many expectations to be a breath of fresh air and happy all of the time because you’re a parent. We’re not being ungrateful, it’s an illness or even if it’s not that severe, it’s not easy having so much to think about every day or so much to cope with. It can get on top of us all. I do wish people were more honest then we could stop all of the guilt and shaming and just help and support each other!
I hope you start to feel better soon and if you need to talk to somebody please feel free to stop me a line anytime 🙂
X x
Lucy Melissa Smith recently posted…Birth Announcements: Premature, Stolen or Just Plain Complicated…
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That’s exactly it! We ARE so very, very lucky but that doesn’t stop me from being unwell. I wish it did. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way when so many people would love what I have, but that just doesn’t help does it? Depression doesn’t discriminate.
Thank you for your comment and support. x
You can do this lady. As you said, you’ve done it before. You’dll do it again. For you. For Kev. For those babies. x x x
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Love you xx
Aww hunny, I 100% identify. It took me until Eden was 18 months old to sit in that GP’s chair, so well done you. I remember feeling so much better once I cried and admitted I needed help. Hormones are a beast. I’ve been here more times than I’d like to care for in the last 3 years and it irritates me. Everytime I think I’m better, but one think I have now FINALLY learned is that I need to not take on too much when I start to feel better. When you’ve lived under that cloud of confusion and anxiety, when you feel great you literally feel like you can take on the world. I pushed myself way too much and took on stupid amounts (literally stupid you wouldn’t believe it if I said), you’ll get through this, like you said you’ve done it before. Just remember to take it easy and give yourself grace. I’m currently going ridiculously slowly this time because I overdid it so much last time. You are super strong for admitting this, and amazingly brave for posting this. Well done xxx (meant in the least patronising way possible, just feeling encouraged to hear someone exactly where I am) xxx
Alexandra | I’m Every Mum recently posted…5 Things I’m Grateful For
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Thank you so much for commenting. I think as parents we do find it really hard to sit back and admit we need help! I am definitely guilty of taking on too much – both in the blogging world and in ‘real life’. I guess I need to accept I can’t do it all. I have to admit that I felt a bit better just for sitting in that doctor’s room and telling her I couldn’t cope any more.
Well done for posting this Kate. Its so hard to open up about these things because social media makes it seem as though everybody else is coping just fine, but so many of us aren’t really and its a shame we’re not more honest about it as goodness knows how much better we might feel to have each other to talk to or just to know we’re not the only one and there’s nothing “wrong” with us.
I hope you find the counselling helpful, I never expected to but it was more helpful than I ever imagined it would be! Talking is amazing therapy. So simple, but so effective. I hope the medication helps too.
I’m always here if you want a chat, we live so close by – I totally understand that sometimes making arrangements is too overwhelming but you can always message me anytime. xxx
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Hayely, it was your touching post that encouraged me to write this. It is sometimes so helpful to know we are not alone.
I am looking forward to the counselling in a way, it feels like a step in the right direction, I really hope it helps.
Thank you so much for your support. It’s good to know I have someone to talk to who knows what I am going through. We should really try and meet up sometimes soon, think it might do us both the world of good?
I need to be brave like you and admit defeat! I spend so much of my time convincing myself I am fine, but if I am honest, deep down I am not! I have been meaning to go to the Drs for a long time, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Like you, I am so used to saying I’m fine. Well done for getting something done about it xxx
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I think we all find it so hard to admit that we need help – but honestly, most of us find it hard at some point. I really hope you can find the strength to visit your doctor and that they can help you to feel better xx
Sorry to hear that things haven’t been good lately….
I am so glad you are getting the support and help you need…
Sending love and hugs x
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Didn’t want to read and run.
Sending lots of love
Brought a tear to my eye. I see a lot of myself in this post.
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xxx
Sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. I know those feelings you describe oh so well. I once cried on a train because I couldn’t decide whether to have an almond croissant or porridge for breakfast. It felt like the biggest decision and if I chose wrongly that it would be the end of the world. I have been on anti-depressants for most of my adult life and will probably be on them for the rest of my life. I see no shame in that. I have an illness and need help to get over it and through the day. You should be so proud of yourself for asking for help. That is a big part of the battle. Accepting that you are not coping and need help. I hope you continue to look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard and listen to your feelings. Hugs Lucy xxxx
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I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. I’m not sure why our society is so strange and uncomfortable talking about mental health but every open conversation that people can have about it helps. This post is so honest, well written and approachable and so important to share. Lots of love to you – you were very brave to walk into that appointment and very brave to share your experience. xx
You have done amazing. I’m not feeling so great recently and I wish I was as strong as you but I seem to just put on the face and get on with it. Reading this has inspired me to do something about it so thank you so much for that.
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Sorry you are not feeling too great at the moment. I am super pleased my post has encouraged you to seek support – that is exactly what I was hoping for!
I’ve suffered with OCD, anxiety and an eating disorder for almost ten years. Now, I’m in a good place (considering!). I’m not longer on 200mg Sertraline per day. I can go in the supermarket now. I can go in the city centre most of the time. These might not seem big to most people but they’re massive achievements for me ☺️ You’re taking action, and that’s an amazing step to take. It’s key, make everything in little steps, relative to you, and go out and achieve them at your own pace. Don’t strive to meet anyone’s expectations.
Your doctors sound fab!
Nicola
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I am so glad you’re now in a good place. I think going into the city centre etc is a huge thing – it totally freaks me out right now.
This is a beautiful post. You should be so proud of yourself. I’ve been there (my own was apparently anxiety). And people (my own friends) were amazed that I cried to the health officials! Seeking help is the hardest thing to do but it’s the best thing to do. We all need to accept that depression, anxiety, stress and all other forms of this illness is normal. Well done!! Sending lots of love and support x
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Thank you. Taking the first step is so hard, but it does help!
Your gp sounds fabulous. Mine were good too. The one I have the price blem is my husband who constantly tells me to buck my ideas up and get over it. I’ve suffered for years and apparently it’s all in the head, I should be able to snap out of it. Hope u feeling better soon
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I think you should send your husband to see your GP so she can tell him more about mental illness lol!
I’m so sorry to hear you have been feeling this way. You are absolutely right in that it is nothing to be ashamed of, or being made to feel ashamed of. It’s an illness and you can get better with the right help! Well done on recognising it and seeking professional help! I hope the medication and counselling will help, and like you said, find yourself again soon.
Wave to Mummy recently posted…My Monthly Roundup – January 2016
I have just started meeting with a friend who saw a couple of my Facebook status’ and reached out. She wasn’t a close friend nor is she family, but she recognised that there was ‘something’ wrong and so send me a message with her story. Her reaching out, and the fact she was real, somebody I knew, made me realise i need to go and see a doctor. This was around a week ago and as of yet I havent summoned the courage to make the call. I did go for a coffee with my friend and she was great, we sat and talked, and I cried and let it out, everything I was feeling poured out in an hour of honesty. It felt so good to let it out, to not be judged, I know I nee to make the next step and speak to a doctor, Its not going to get any easier without that but at the same time, I shan’t lie, I am scared too. Well done for taking that step X
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So sorry you are suffering too. It’s so hard to make that step. Would your friend maybe go to the doctors with you for some support?