I have been wanting to write this post for a long time, but the words just wouldn’t come. They still are not flowing easily now, but I am trying hard as this is something I want to share with you all. I feel it’s an important thing to do, both for myself, and for anyone else out there feeling the same way.
I live under my very own cloud, and its name is postnatal depression.
Those of you who have followed me for a while will know all about my three children, and the way they arrived in this world. (If not, please head over and read my Birth Stories – it will explain a lot). None of my labours or births were what I expected, or wanted. They were all horrifically traumatic, unexpected and stressful.
Birth is supposed to be such a special, magical time where you finally meet your baby after all the waiting. That first cuddle – the fact you are the first person to hold them. That’s never happened for me. Someone else held all of my babies before me.
I hate this. It makes me cry.
All 3 of my babies were treated in special care. They were all in incubators, hooked up to wires, monitors and tubes. I couldn’t hold them when I wanted, I had to ask someone. I couldn’t dress them, feed them or cuddle them without someone saying it was OK first. That’s not how it should be.
After Gemma’s birth I suffered. I suffered flashbacks that woke me in the night. My dreams always ended with me being rushed to theatre not knowing if my baby would be dead or alive.
I couldn’t function properly. I didn’t bond well with my precious daughter. I struggled through daily life with a newborn, but underneath it all I felt hopeless, sad and overwhelmingly guitly.
Guilty that she was born by C section, that I couldn’t birth her naturally.
Guilty that she was so poorly, was it my fault?
Guilty that I failed to breastfeed.
Just guilty. Guilty about everything.
Luckily, my condition was picked up on, and counselling and medication got me through.
Then Jacob arrived. Again a horrible birth, my premature little boy who I failed to keep inside me long enough. The guilt was back. Why couldn’t I have carried him to full term, then he wouldn’t have been poorly? Why had my body failed my little boy?
Back under the storm cloud of depression again.
By the time Jacob was about 18 months, I was free. Free of that awful gloominess. And when I fell pregnant with Max, I just knew this time would be different. The likelihood of 3 babies needing special care was slim, it wouldn’t happen again. Reaching 36 weeks was a milestone for me. Almost full term. If he arrived now, he would be fine. Right? Wrong.
Another premature birth. Another poorly baby who couldn’t breathe properly. Another special care baby. And another dark cloud of sadness, hopelessness, and the ever present guilt.
Again, guilty of not carrying my baby to full term, not protecting him like I should have.
I KNOW that these things are not my fault, but it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells you that, it doesn’t stop the way I am feeling. I feel that I failed my babies. I feel that I didn’t deliver them the way nature intended, I didn’t keep them in me for long enough, or that I didn’t keep them safe from harm. I have never once had those precious moments where you meet your newborn, hold them, give them their first feed and look into their eyes, the windows to their soul. For me their births will always be about tears, trauma, alarms, struggles and sadness. And that’s just not fair.
I don’t want to look back and be sad. I want to enjoy every moment with my amazingly strong, beautiful and inspiring children. But I can’t. I have been robbed.
There are people out there with much bigger problems than me, but this is my personal storm cloud, and it’s a pretty dark place to be sometimes.
Sometimes it’s good to let these feeling out like you have done here. Great post 🙂
Bless you, what a very difficult post to write but hopefully letting it out has helped you a little. You have 3 beautiful children 🙂
Helen X
http://babybeautifulmummy.blogspot.co.uk/
I wish I had some wise words to change your mind about feeling like you failed but I know I never will, maybe I could remind you of your successes as a mum, your healthy happy children who’s mum nurtured cares and plays. We as mums need to celebrate ourselves more we are after all AMAZING
BIG HUGS
Very touching post, thanks for sharing, I also have had a bit of a difficult time, adjusting to being a mum and also suffered with depression myself, so I have an idea of how you feel, remember we will have good days and bad days, I really do feel grateful when I have lots of good days! Take care and lots of love Harjit x x
http://thetestingpanel.blogspot.co.uk/
oh Sweetie I’m so sorry to read this. I count myself lucky to have had relatively straight forward births with healthy babies that I have been able to hold straight away but I have still had feelings of guilt for other things I feel I could have done and didn’t. PND is a terrible cloud but it is much more common than is realised, many women deal with it and with the right support get through it, you have before and you WILL again. You have friends who you can talk to and will support you both online and in RL and you have an amazing family that love you. Do not feel guilty for the way that you have brought your children in to the world. Feel proud that you did create them and that you are bringing them up to become such wonderful little people. Sending you love and hugs xx
I’m proud of you for being open & sharing this post. I can only imagine how hard it was to right.
My births have not been traumatic in the slightest but after two emcs I totally understand the guilt of feeling your babies haven’t been born “properly” – I feel cheated out of the experience. But then those moments do not affect them, what matters is that our children are here safe & they are happy & well loved. I hope you are getting the support you need. Much love x
Hugs xx
Hugs xxx
I’m sorry to hear this, PND is a horrible monster to live with but I hope you know deep down that you didn’t fail any of your 3 kiddos, they’re all happy, healthy and cute and that’s down to you. xx
I can imagine it was a difficult post to write, but hope you are feeling better getting it off your chest. Of course, we all feel guilty for when our babies are poorly and keep asking ourselves What if I’ve… I’ve felt like that, and still do. Just wanted to say you are not alone in thinking so. Hugs
I think somewhere we all have little dark clouds hovering over us, you described it so well yours, my heart goes out to you that you see it that way, I too suffered PND and it isn’t something we choose to have, its just one of those things, that given the right help we can manage or move on from.
You have 3 beautiful children, who when we think won’t ever remember the first yrs of their lives, bar love, to feel a mothers love is what helps us grow to be the people we are.
I bet you are incredibly proud of your children and know that is down to you and your love for them.
Sending big hugs and hope that dark cloud stays away x
I never went through majorly traumatic births, well i didnt with 3 out of 4 of my children but I never got the birth I wanted so I have always been left disappointed and I suppose upset after giving birth. I think we just have to look at the positive side of things that our babies are happy and healthy despite the hard start!!! x
Hugs hun, and well done for writing this, I’m sure others will have shed a tear over this post. I know it doesn’t help but remember that guilt is part of what makes you the awesome mother you are, you have that desire to ‘do right’ within you so strongly that it can make you feel this terrible way at times – and no one else on the whole earth could feel anything even close to that for your children, its proof that you are a natural mother with amazing instincts. Love you lots xxx
I am not yet strong enough to write my own version of this post, but I absolutely share your sentiment and raw emotion and I hope in a small way it helps you to know that so many of us [sadly] identify and it eases the pain knowing that I am not alone in those feelings, especially surrounding birth, as seeing a new baby I always look hard at the new mum and wonder how it’s possible to go through birth and not feel utterly broken. I hope your cloud lifts and it sounds like you’ve seen the chinks of light, I hope that they continue to build until the sun shines, huge hugs xx
You were robbed, you’re right, births can be great – but generally they aren’t. They’re about blood and poo and inexplicable pain, and a woozy dream-like feeling that steals a lot of the memory from every new Mum. You have the rest of forever with your children and hopefully your post-natal depression will not steal too much of that precious time from you x
Oh honey I am sad to read this.
I had really bad PND and what cleared me of it was healing. Distance healing not even in person.
It doesn’t always have to be medication that sorts it out. Pray for a solution as it is not something that you have to continue to live with.
Love, light, peace and hugs,
Liska xx
Thankyou all of you for your kind words and comments. It’s so good to know there is a support network out there, and I am most certainly not alone. Love to you all xx
Hi Kate was just stopping by to see how you and Max were doing and I am sad to read you are not feeling well. I can only suggest to hold on to the thought that you have already experienced that is does pass after sometime. eg as when Jacob was 18m. You know already what you are going through, and you know one day you will be releaved as you have been through it once before. It can only get better day by day!
Hugs!
Hi,
I completely understand how hard it is to have babies in special care. My first son was in for 6 weeks after he was born and I too felt a lot of guilt and felt that I missed so much. My second and third babies, my twins, were also special care babies. During my pregnancy I knew there would be the chance of them needing extra care but all I kept praying for was to be able to take my babies straight home. Unfortunately I couldn’t. The were in special care for 12 days. I was so close to falling into the deep hole of PND luckily the hospital staff spotted it before it sunk in.
Take each day as it comes and focus on the good things.
Hugs x
#MMWBH
My heart breaks for your sadness, and even more so because you know you shouldn’t feel guilty but still do. I know that no amount of me or anyone else telling you not to feel guilty will make the slightest bit of difference, so instead I’ll offer you a hug (even if it is just a virtual one) and remind you that you are a wonderful mum. xx