I’m scared

Scared of SCBU

After my other children were born, I suffered with postnatal depression. Of course, no one really knows why this happens, but I believe that a lot of my problems were caused by having children in special care. Despite having 3 babies, I have never been able to hold one of them after birth, I have never been able to dress or feed them for the first time, I have never had those precious first few hours bonding with your newborn. 

I know I’m not the only one, but it still hurts.

And now I am expecting baby number 4, and I am terrified. I am so terrified that it outweighs the excitement at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I cannot wait to meet our new baby, to take them home and introduce them to his or her brothers and sister, to start a new life as a family of 6. But I am so scared that this baby is going to be taken away from me too, and that I will fall back into that dark place. I don’t think I could bear it again. 

I thought I was safe first time round. My pregnancy had been fine, but my labour went all wrong, and I ended up with a crash section under general anaesthetic, my baby born pale and floppy, taken away for monitoring. I thought I was safe second time around – it wasn’t likely that 2 babies would end up on SCBU, right? But he came at 34 weeks, he came too early. I thought I was safe last time, making it to 36 weeks – almost full term. But he couldn’t breathe properly, was whisked away and put on CPAP.

So no matter what stage of pregnancy this one arrives at, I won’t feel safe. Even if I make it to my planned C section date, they could still take my baby away. He or she could still be poorly, too sick, too small. It would destroy me. I can’t even begin to imagine how I will feel if my final baby is taken away. I just want them to be delivered into my arms, to hold them as they open their eyes for the first time, to offer them their first feed, for Kevin to be able to put on the first nappy and sleepsuit. 

Is it too much to ask?

I know no-one can predict what will happen, but please baby, hang in there and grow strong, grow healthy and know that we are longing to meet you.

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11 Comments

  1. February 5, 2015 / 1:43 pm

    awww lovely i am crossing everything and i know my words won’t help but i have thick skin and lots of tissues .. feel free to off load anytime!
    Jaime Oliver recently posted…Feeling Fabulous And FitMy Profile

  2. February 5, 2015 / 2:55 pm

    Thinking of you! Hoping everything goes smoothly and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Stay strong 🙂

  3. February 5, 2015 / 3:07 pm

    oh kate! I really do understand your fears and I really hope they are unfounded and you get to hold your baby as you’ve dreamed. Have you consider natal hypnotherapy to help you relax and stay positive? It might help also to talk to your midwife? She may be able to refer you to a counsellor or similar who can talk things through with you?
    Lots of love, I have all my fingers crossed for you
    X x x x
    Ghostwritermummy recently posted…Two yearsMy Profile

  4. February 5, 2015 / 9:28 pm

    Thinking of you lovely. What will be will be but we are all here for you afterwards. I hope it goes smoothly this time but no one knows x
    Donna recently posted…BEAR AlphabitesMy Profile

  5. February 6, 2015 / 9:10 am

    My first was born 29+5 weeks with 6 weeks in NICU, my 2nd was born 35 weeks via c-section and came home after two days. It is so scary and I agree, everytime I have a baby I will be scared of going to NICU. Sending love <3

  6. February 6, 2015 / 9:12 am

    You poor thing, I’m wishing you all the luck in the world that this time all goes to plan. xx
    seychellesmama recently posted…12 weeks pregnantMy Profile

  7. February 11, 2015 / 10:06 am

    Oh Kate, I can totally understand the fear you have – I really hope everything works out perfectly this time round xx

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