Today I have a guest post from the lovely Beth at Twinderelmo, who talks about something I think plenty of parents can relate to – the end of the baby days, the knowledge that we will not have another addition to the family, the acceptance that we are done.
I love a plan. I remember at university having to make a one year, three year and five year plan and it was the one thing I spent most of the semester doing (OOOPS). I just adore having something to work towards and focus my efforts on. I’m not organised in a conventional way but I like to feel as though I am. I’m the person on Boxing Day making plans for the summer; I just need a plan!
So let’s rewind back to August 2012; the month before we got married. I had regulated my contraception pill so I knew exactly when my period would fall and even downloaded an ovulation app (yes I was that trying to conceive person) I fiddled around with dates to try to ovulate whilst on honeymoon and to my amazement my plan worked! Having had my own birthday in November and Charlie’s just 15 days before Christmas I had decided I’d love to have a baby in June. Don’t ask why but 6 months after Christmas seemed the perfect birthday and it is. The sun always shines in June!
So baby 2 was going to be a honeymoon conceived and June born, so then I would plan to have baby 3 when baby 2 had just started nursery. Meaning January 2016 is baby making month!
But it’s not.
We were so incredibly lucky to fall pregnant so quickly. I have friends who are not so lucky and struggle for years and still are no further forward. We have our beautiful twins. Two babies born healthy to add to our family with our other lovely older son. How bloody lucky are we to have three healthy happy kids.
But something hidden deep deep deep down inside refuses to go away. I feel so awful to even say this when there are so many people including, some lovely amazing friends, who cannot conceive, are having IVF and even sadder never got to say hello to their beautiful angels. I sound so greedy and ungrateful I’m not believe me. But I feel a tiny bit sad.
Sad that I will never carry another baby in my tummy. That my plan should be underway now and this year we would have another mini to complete our family. It’s a strange one as multiple pregnancies are so incredibly amazing yet you only have one birth. One pregnancy. One set of milestones. It is such a whirlwind for the first few years that you don’t have time to stop and appreciate it fully. But when my girls go to school that’s it. It won’t be staggered two all at once.
I wouldn’t for one second change my three children but part of me feels sad knowing the excitement that would be going on with a pregnancy this year. I am being selfish but surely most women “mourn” when their last baby(ies) start making their own independent paths in the world.
Please tell me I’m not alone?
I think it’s safe to say that Beth is not alone in feeling this way. I know our family is complete now, but it still seems strange to think I will never again experience the excitement of a scan or the utter joy of holding your fresh newborn against your skin. I know plenty of others will feel that way too – am I right?