2013 – the highs and lows

For me, 2013 will forever be the year of Max. Our longed for, much wanted little bundle of joy. I had it all planned out. Our C section was booked for May 23rd, childcare was arranged, Kevin had booked time off work. I had the bag packed, and just desperatley wanted to get past the 34 weeks mark. Jacob was born at 34 weeks and I really didn’t want to be going down that route again. Having already experienced 2 babies being cared for in SCBU, having had 2 babies torn away from me after their birth, my only wish for Max’s birth was that I could hold him. Those precious few moments when you meet your brand new, seconds old baby. So when I reached 36 weeks, my heart lifted. I told myself that if he was born now, he would be OK. I was almost full term.
At 36 weeks and 1 day, Max was born. If you have read my birth story you will know that things didn’t go to plan. Max was born with breathing difficulties, and yet again my baby was rushed away from me – before I had even laid eyes on him. Yet again I was not the first to hold him, I was not the first person he saw, and I wasn’t the first person to put a nappy on him, or wipe his little face.
Max is fine now. After 48 hours on CPAP, he came home. And he is thriving. And I know that I should just be thankful for this amazing, gorgeous little boy who brings us so much happiness. But I can’t let go of the fact that despite having 3 children, none of them were held by me when they were born. None of them got that first contact from me. And I don’t think I will ever let that go.

Because of this, 2013 also brought with it the familiar cloud of postnatal depression.I have been there before, and I know I will get through it and out the other side, but I won’t be unscathed. It never leaves you unscathed. For now, the cloud comes and goes. I deal with things one day at a time in the knowledge that it won’t be forever.

I am lucky. I know I am lucky. I have three amazing, heartwarming children. This year has seen Gemma move from the infant section of the school to the juniors. It has seen her move up 3 swimming levels. It has been the year she learned to roller blade, the year she became my little helper and the year she really grew from a little girl to a grown-up, sensitive and curious person with a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched.
Jacob has changed hugely this year too. 2013 saw him turn 5 and really change from a small boy to proper, fully fledged schoolboy. He has learnt to save goals, he has learnt to climb trees and he has become a big brother – and has relished it. He is always playing with Max, helping him hold his cup, and encouraging him to crawl.
Max has obviously seen the most change this year. In May we welcomed a tiny, helpless and dependent newborn into our family. Since then he has learnt to roll over, to sit up, to eat with his hands, hold a cup, bounce on his feet, chatter and get up onto his hands and knees in readiness for the next chapter in his life. He is a happy little chappy, and he just fits. He completes our family and we can’t imagine life without him now.

So 2013 may not have been what I expected. But looking back, it is clear that I have a lot to be thankful for. So my goals for 2014 are simple:

  • To beat postnatal depression. Again.
  • To spend as much time as possible with my family
  • To find us a new, forever family home. We are planning to relocate in 2014 (keep an eye on the blog for news on this one!)
  • And to kiss my special people and tell them I love them. Every day. Life is so precious, and can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Never, ever stop being thankful for those you love.
Happy New Year to every one of you. Here’s to 2014 being the best yet. We deserve it. 
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22 Comments

  1. December 31, 2013 / 7:58 pm

    Happy New Year Kate, you don’t stand alone in trying to beat pnd in 2014, keep cuddling your lovely family and hope the sun shines through for you, all the best x

    • January 1, 2014 / 10:43 am

      Thankyou – I am hoping 2014 will be bright for us all. Take care xx

  2. December 31, 2013 / 8:08 pm

    You’re definitely not alone! From one member of team-beat-pnd-again-in-2014 to another, I hope this new year brings you peace, relief, support and a lot of laughter. xx

    • December 31, 2013 / 8:23 pm

      Thanks Hannah, it’s good to know I am not alone. We will beat it together! Happy New Year my lovely x

  3. December 31, 2013 / 8:22 pm

    All the very best to you Kate. Family time is always the best time, and I am sure they will support you as you beat PND. All the best for 2014 xxx

    • January 1, 2014 / 10:43 am

      Thankyou Kerrie, family time is so special!

  4. December 31, 2013 / 8:41 pm

    Happy new year!! All the best for 2014!!

  5. December 31, 2013 / 9:24 pm

    You are a super woman Kate. Keep on keeping on my lovely x x x

    • January 1, 2014 / 10:44 am

      I will. Tea and cake soon. I need Amy (and Colette) cuddles x

    • January 1, 2014 / 10:44 am

      Happy New Year to you too, hope it’s a good one x

  6. January 1, 2014 / 10:55 am

    Here’s hoping for a clearer happier 2014 for you darling.

    Keep smiling and cuddling and talking!!

    Thanks for linking up

    • January 1, 2014 / 11:23 am

      Much smiling and cuddling happening today 🙂
      Thanks for hosting a great linky x

    • January 1, 2014 / 11:23 am

      And to you too – an exciting year for you! Thankyou xx

  7. January 1, 2014 / 11:35 am

    Happy new year, good luck in finding your forever home x

  8. January 1, 2014 / 6:28 pm

    Its strange how the simple things matter, I was lucky all mine were handed to me.
    I hope you beat PND soon.
    Happy new year to you and yours from me and mine

  9. January 1, 2014 / 7:20 pm

    Happy New Year Kate. I wish you all the best and hope you have an amazing year. x

  10. January 2, 2014 / 12:28 am

    This is a lovely post. Sorry your births didn’t go as planned, but it’s good your able to focus on the positives of your family life too they all sound like great children and I hope 2014 is brilliant for all of you!
    thanks for linking up 🙂

  11. January 9, 2014 / 11:33 am

    Wishing you all the best for 2014 – 2013 did really put you through the mill so I hope things are on the up Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

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