I’m not OK. Is it OK to say that?
I am 26 weeks pregnant with a happy healthy baby. I should be grateful – and I am. Believe me, I am. But I am also exhausted, struggling to sleep, struggling to manage work, the washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping. I am terrified about this baby coming too early and having to spend more weeks in special care. I am terrified that a new baby will disrupt our little family unit, that Gemma, Jacob and Max will feel left out, or not bond. I’m worried I won’t bond. I’m worried the postnatal depression will creep back and I will be lost in that dark cloud again.
I have 3 wonderful children. I should be grateful – and I am. But I am also worried that I don’t give them enough time, that I am failing as a parent. Jacob is struggling at the moment, he has just had a series of blood tests as he is so tired, so pale, so angry all the time. I have failed him as a parent, he shouldn’t be feeling that way at 6. Gemma is 9, and I need to make time to have a growing up chat with her, but I don’t know what to say or where to start. Am I failing her too? Max is happy enough, but will the new baby change that? I don’t want to fail him.
I have a supportive husband, a lovely home, a job that allows me to stay at home with the children. I should be grateful – and I am. But am I actually giving any of them the attention they need? By the time I have got the kids from school, cooked tea, bathed them and got them to bed I am too tired to tidy the house, too tired to work and give my blog the attention it needs, too tired to spend quality time with Kevin. I just fall asleep on the sofa, or go to bed early. Am I failing there too? Am I just being pathetic?
I have it all. I have everything people want, everything I want. But I still don’t feel like I am OK. Is it OK to say that?