Finding it hard

finding it hard, postnatal depression

I’m finding it hard I’m not going to lie
The days are a blur as I try not to cry

Having Eliza has just been so hard
Memories of this time already marred

I’m living in dark clouds instead of the sun
The newborn days just haven’t been fun

I look at Eliza and I just feel pain
And waves of guilt again and again

We aren’t making memories, we’re just getting through
Doing the things that I know I should do.

Putting on a show that everything’s well.
Knowing deep down I feel like a shell.

Feeding and sleeping, we’re not getting there
I really do love her, I really do care

But I’m not enjoying. I’m not doing
great
There are many days where I’m just filled with hate

Hate for the guilt that I didn’t do right. Hate for the dark that descends every night.
Hate for the fact that I’m finding it tough.
Hate for the thought that I’m just not enough.
Hate for not being all here for my babies
Hate for this life that is just filled with maybes.
Maybe it will pass, maybe it goes, maybe I’m weak, maybe, who knows?

But for now I am living this time day by day
Hoping these dark clouds will soon go away

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54 Comments

  1. Keri Jones
    July 27, 2015 / 2:46 pm

    Oh Kate, I’m sending you lots of virtual hugs. I was exactly the same after my son was born. It took me nearly 8months to admit how I felt. My HV suggested I may have pnd & anxiety. I went to the drs & he prescribed meds. I started feeling better after a few months & now I feel amazing!
    I’m not saying this is true for you, but may be an avenue worth looking at?
    I hope this is just a temporary low for you and things start getting brighter very soon. Maybe talk to a Dr or HV in the mean time?
    Take care xx

  2. July 27, 2015 / 2:58 pm

    So sorry you’re feeling this way but hopefully recognising it can help you seek the support you need. You are enough and you are there for your babies. You just need someone to be there for you right now. This is such a heartfelt, beautiful and touching poem. I wish you all the best and hope you feel stronger soon x
    Emma recently posted…Welcome to the world baby A!My Profile

  3. July 27, 2015 / 3:33 pm

    It makes me so sad that I can’t pop round for a cuppa or give you a hug when you need it.
    You are an incredible Mum as I always tell you but I think right now everything is just getting a bit too much, having a newborn is tough enough but 3 other children as well will be hard. You just need to see the light in each day and I promise you things will get better. Try little steps each day, take some time to yourself when Kevin is at home for the children and always…ALWAYS remember your friends are just a phone call away.

    Chin up sweetheart, you’ve got this! xxx
    Jade Pirard recently posted…This Summer’s Essentials!My Profile

  4. July 27, 2015 / 4:09 pm

    Aww hugs to you!
    You are doing great, new babies are hard but I promise you although it doesn’t get easier you get more, you know this yourself, it starts with a smile, then a laugh, then before you know it you are learning all about this incredible little person and she is learning and laughing about the world.
    I think you could do with a chat with your doctor though, each baby pulls you in different directions but you are doing great x x x
    Sadie recently posted…ExhaustimicatedMy Profile

  5. July 27, 2015 / 4:23 pm

    kate I’m so sorry to read this, newborn days are so tough and it can be hard to feel you’re not coping. I’ve been there myself, try not to beat yourself up if you can and get support when you need it. Your babies will be fine, they are loved and that’s what counts xxx
    Lisa H recently posted…How I Made It Into Tots100’s Top 50My Profile

  6. July 27, 2015 / 4:43 pm

    Oh sweetheart,
    If only I lived closer, I would be there making you a hot tea and feeding you chocolate biscuits whilst offering hugs. Instead I can only tell you here that’s I’m always around if you need to chat and offer virtual hugs xxx
    Kelly Finn recently posted…Lascal maxi buggy board.My Profile

  7. July 27, 2015 / 4:50 pm

    Such a sweet little face! Great poem and I think very relate-able. Find some ways to pamper yourself somehow. Ask anyone you know to help with food or time or anything at all. Even just coming to visit to keep little ones occupied for a while can help enormously! I’m sorry it’s been really hard lately! Hugs!

  8. July 27, 2015 / 4:57 pm

    Kate, I’m sure you are doing an amazing job, it’s hard enough when you only have to focus on one new baby, I can;t imagine how any of you do it with more children to look after too. I hope you are feeling happier soon, but try not to be too hard on yourself x
    over40andamumtoone recently posted…A Higgidy PicnicMy Profile

  9. July 27, 2015 / 5:46 pm

    Do you know what? I think most Mums feel this way but many hide it with the pretence of joy and adoration for their child. It’s not that you don’t love your child it’s just everything is so very hard at the start, it’s hard to see how you’ll cope and ever feel happy.
    Does it make you feel better to know you’re being a great Mum, don’t feel bad- we’ve all felt like that and it’s more than normal. Just live day by day until it starts to get easier 🙂 (which we both know it eventually does). xx

  10. July 27, 2015 / 5:51 pm

    (when I say pretence of joy and adoration, I mean through social media or friends who hide how difficult those early days are as if it’s an unwritten rule you have to be happy 24/7) x

  11. July 27, 2015 / 7:36 pm

    Kate, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve just had baby no 3, and it’s really hard sometimes. Just always remember that “this too will pass”. It will get easier. Don’tbe afraid to ask for help from those around you. You don’t have to do it by yourself. You’re an amazing mother, and your children are so blessed to have you as their mama. Fatima x
    Fatima @ Baby Toddler Me recently posted…From a 6 pack to a mummy tummyMy Profile

  12. Gillian Cooke
    July 27, 2015 / 9:36 pm

    Very brave of you to be so honest x

  13. July 27, 2015 / 9:39 pm

    Kate I am so sorry to hear this. Is there anyone you can talk to honey? Your mum or partner or a friend? I haven’t done it yet but those early days must be so hard and I bet you are doing far better than you feel you are but please please ask for some help, you don’t have to do this on your own sweetie xxx
    Katie Heels &Hooves recently posted…38 weeks pregnant: BumpdateMy Profile

  14. July 27, 2015 / 10:45 pm

    Oh Kate you poor thing, I hope you are getting support. It is such an overwhelming time but you are doing a great job. Big hugs and lots of love xxx
    Farmerswifeandmummy recently posted…#MaternityMondays Week 29My Profile

  15. MrsG
    July 28, 2015 / 9:31 am

    This is so profound. I felt the same way. I don’t have advice. I didn’t do the right things. What I did do was sit in coffee shops and read things. And I embraced washable nappies when it seemed my breast milk might never come back. (It did with kellymom and a lot of perseverance). They were a beautiful reminder of something that I felt mattered, which others didn’t and it was a secret world of people with a passion for something related to their babies but not about their babies. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but that helped.

  16. July 28, 2015 / 11:39 am

    So sorry to read this… Can you talk to anyone over there about this, family or friend or even a doctor? If not the amount of responses here shows that you have many friends to reach to through the screen. Just reach out, to anyone you feel comfortable with. I know I am a stranger but if you want to talk to someone who doesn’t know you and doesn’t judge you, you have my email. (It can be sometimes easier to speak to someone you don’t know in real life)

    And it is not maybe. You will get through, you will survive, you are not weak and you will get better. All the best.
    Wave to Mummy recently posted…Celebrating our fourth anniversaryMy Profile

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