Finding it hard

finding it hard, postnatal depression

I’m finding it hard I’m not going to lie
The days are a blur as I try not to cry

Having Eliza has just been so hard
Memories of this time already marred

I’m living in dark clouds instead of the sun
The newborn days just haven’t been fun

I look at Eliza and I just feel pain
And waves of guilt again and again

We aren’t making memories, we’re just getting through
Doing the things that I know I should do.

Putting on a show that everything’s well.
Knowing deep down I feel like a shell.

Feeding and sleeping, we’re not getting there
I really do love her, I really do care

But I’m not enjoying. I’m not doing
great
There are many days where I’m just filled with hate

Hate for the guilt that I didn’t do right. Hate for the dark that descends every night.
Hate for the fact that I’m finding it tough.
Hate for the thought that I’m just not enough.
Hate for not being all here for my babies
Hate for this life that is just filled with maybes.
Maybe it will pass, maybe it goes, maybe I’m weak, maybe, who knows?

But for now I am living this time day by day
Hoping these dark clouds will soon go away

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54 Comments

  1. Jess
    October 19, 2015 / 7:40 am

    You are enough! It’s so so hard, lack of sleep doesn’t help with that either. It is about getting through and just taking each day as it comes, I hate to admit this but I wished the days away when my little one was newborn, I knew the older she got the easier it would become and the more confident I would be, I was full of anxiety too (even suicidal at some points), I eventually asked my doctor for help and it was the best thing I could have done, I was in a dark place and didn’t see a way out, I hope you begin to feel more positive soon, don’t be afraid to speak to your doctor either, they can help so much! You’re doing amazingly though, don’t put too much pressure on yourself and know it won’t always feel this way! Xx

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 9:00 am

      Thank you xx

  2. October 19, 2015 / 7:57 am

    ((hugs)) we all have dark days hun but it is important to keep talking about it, you will get through it xx
    chantelle Hazelden recently posted…L.O.V.E Book ReviewMy Profile

  3. October 19, 2015 / 9:02 am

    Big hugs. You are doing the right thing by taking each day as it comes Hun. Just remember you aren’t alone! & you are MORE than enough for your little one 🙂 xx

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 10:46 am

      Thank you xx

  4. October 19, 2015 / 9:54 am

    Man I remember this well, those long nights, the day’s knowing you had to entertain a toddler and a baby. Those were my worst days I was always worst in the night. Never admitting I was depressed, felt like a failure to ask for help. I hope you find it more fun soon. Time does fly so before you know it you will be in a new season. Much love x
    Mummy’s little blog recently posted…The Fear of a choking childMy Profile

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 10:46 am

      There always seems to be so much to do to get through the day doesn’t there? Thank you xx

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 10:46 am

      I have a lovely supportive family, thank you xx

  5. October 19, 2015 / 10:25 am

    Sending you so many hugs. I wrote a similar post recently on my blog. Being a mum is so hard and sometimes it’s no good and all bad. Hang on in there, you’re doing fantastically. Xxx
    Nearlyyummymummy recently posted…Love your post baby body.My Profile

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 10:45 am

      I am going to come over and read your post. It helps to know you aren’t the only one!

  6. October 19, 2015 / 10:27 am

    You are enough. I know that its hard and I felt the same sort of things when I first had my Lilly. It is such a crazy time and I know that it will get easier. Much love ❤❤

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 10:45 am

      Thank you xx

  7. October 19, 2015 / 10:38 am

    Oh Kate! You are doing amazingly well and don’t think otherwise! You’ll get through this dark cloud it will pass soon, just make sure you are talking to someone. I was exactly the same a few months ago but im glad to say it has passed and yours will too xx
    kerry recently posted…45 Chicken RecipesMy Profile

  8. October 19, 2015 / 11:30 am

    I felt exactly like this when my son was first born, it was horrible. I was so close to leaving a handful of times. You are enough, I promise you! You’ll soon get past this and it’ll seem silly in a few months. Hold your head high!

    Commenting to you from #Love2Blog 🙂
    Ashleigh recently posted…10 things I love about..My Profile

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 11:50 am

      Thank you xx

  9. October 19, 2015 / 1:15 pm

    So brave posting this. I had a tear reading it. Really feel so sorry for you. One thing though, you are NOT weak. You are strong because you are still there every day for your babies. Parenting really is tough, especially when they don’t sleep or feed rightly.
    *Big hugs* .. I hope you’re better soon. Try and concentrate on yourself .. Maybe a little time out xx
    Beth recently posted…Our Winter Family WalkMy Profile

  10. October 19, 2015 / 2:40 pm

    Parenting is hard I felt like this in the early days too so glad I’m not alone in this.
    Joanna recently posted…Lush Haul #1My Profile

    • kate
      Author
      October 19, 2015 / 4:18 pm

      I think it does help to know you aren’t alone. xx

  11. Steph Oakes
    October 19, 2015 / 4:00 pm

    Oh, I felt so sad for you reading that. Sending you all the love and hugs in the world. You are doing a wonderful job and don’t forget that. xx
    Steph Oakes recently posted…Is your little one a ‘weanager’?My Profile

    • kate
      Author
      October 20, 2015 / 1:09 pm

      Thank you xx

  12. October 19, 2015 / 11:30 pm

    awwe this is so heartfelt – you are enough and I’m sure such an amazing mummy. It’s ok to feel like this and I certainly did at times and so made decisions which made for a happy mummy which will inevitably lead to a happy baby xxx

    • kate
      Author
      October 20, 2015 / 1:08 pm

      Thank you xx

  13. October 19, 2015 / 11:55 pm

    Oh Kate, it is easy to say things will get better, but right now that doesn’t and won’t help you.
    I hope you share how you are feeling with your health visitor or Doctor.
    I suffered very badly with PND, I at first like you kept going until one day I looked at a knife in a kitchen and thought what if, then I heard my daughter call my name, and I knew I had hit rock bottom, so I phoned the Doctor, who listened and got the HV out to see me, who listened and they arranged for a lady to visit me once a week, she was a volunteer and just coming to visit and help where I needed it, for me it wasn’t the helping, but the fact that she would listen to my ramblings.
    Sending big big hugs to you a lovely lady, I hope you have time for some you time, even if it is a hot bath with a magazine, wishing that you see a light at the end of all of this soon and know you are not alone in going through this lovely x

    • kate
      Author
      October 20, 2015 / 1:08 pm

      Oh Sadie, poor you – I didn’t realise you sufered from PND.
      I think I will speak to my health visitor, she is lovely.

  14. October 20, 2015 / 12:24 am

    Your poem hit home for me. Having a newborn is hard, no matter how many times you’ve done it before! The good news is that those dark clouds will really go away sooner than you think. Stay strong, mommy! You’re doing the best you can.

    • kate
      Author
      October 20, 2015 / 1:07 pm

      Thank you xx

  15. Donna
    October 20, 2015 / 1:31 pm

    I probably shouldn’t have read this seeing as I’m pregnant. However, I wish you the best and it’s lovely to read all the supportive comments that have been left. Hugs x

    • kate
      Author
      October 20, 2015 / 1:31 pm

      This is my 4th baby – I promise it isn’t always like this!

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